Tortoise Jokes
to Tickle Your Funnybone

I have a good sense of humor, so I like tortoise jokes. I bet you will enjoy the ones I collected for you. Please tell me about any tortoise jokes I haven't posted yet.smiling tortoise enjoys tortoise jokes

Four tortoises were playing in the backyard when they decided they needed hibiscus flower snacks. They pooled their money and sent the smallest tortoise out to fetch the snacks. Two days passed and there was no sign of the tortoise.

"You know, Shellita is getting really slow", said one of the tortoises.

A little voice from just out side the fence said, " If you are going to talk about me I won't go."
A disturbed tortoise crawls into a police station.

"I've been robbed by a murderous gang of snails, he announces.

"Calm down," says a cop. "Just tell us everything that happened."

"That's difficult," says the tortoise. "It all happened so fast!"
What was the tortoise doing on the highway?

About 100 millimeters per hour.
A young man with a reputation for being slow couldn't keep a job. He was finally hired to work at the local zoo. The keeper knew the young man's nature and told him to take care of the tortoises.

When the keeper checked on the tortoises, he found the young man staring at an open gate. There was not a tortoise to be seen.

"Where are the tortoises?" he asked.

"I can't believe it," said the slow poke. "I opened the door and zoom, they were gone!"
Teacher: Why are you late?

Shelly: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Shelly: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
A little boy came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned The Prairie Tortoise Prayer.

She didn't want to admit that she didn't have any idea what he was talking about, so she spent the week reading her Bible and asking friends about it. No one could help her.

She decided to go to church and ask the pastor. During the service she got her answer when he said, "Let us pray the prayer he taught us. Our father..."
At a fancy dress ball one couple came with the woman on the man's back.

"What have you come as?" asked the hostess.

"I'm a tortoise," said the man.

"A tortoise?" she asked.

"Yes. My name is Tom, and this is Michelle."
Q. Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?

A. Where you left it!

submitted by Carla .
Definition of tortoise: What the teacher did.

submitted by Carla .
Q: Why did the tortoise cross the road?

A: To get to the Shell station!

submitted by Chris .
Q: What did the snail say on the tortoise's back?

A: Weeeeeee!

submitted by Chris .
A baby tortoise was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.

He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds.

Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

submitted by Chris .
Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.

submitted by Carla .
One day a lion wakes up in a bad mood and summons the other animals in the jungle.

"I want each of you to tell a joke, but I warn you that if anyone of you fails to laugh, I'll kill the one who told it. Let's see, monkey, you will be first."

Shaking with fear the monkey begins, "Two men are in the street and..."

When he finishes, everyone bursts out laughing save the tortoise. "The tortoise didn't laugh!" roars the lion, pouncing on the monkey and ripping him to pieces. Then he orders, "Elephant, you're next."

Cursing through clenched teeth, the elephant begins, "A drunk walks into a bar and..."

When he finishes, all the animals split their sides laughing except the tortoise, who remains impassive. "The tortoise didn't think it was funny!" exclaimed the lion who, seeing that the furious elephant is about to step on the tortoise, kills the elephant with his claws.

By now, everyone wants to murder the tortoise, but nobody dares move. "Now it's your turn, tiger," orders the lion.

The scared tiger begins, "They say that Little Red Riding Hood..."

At that moment, the tortoise falls over laughing. "What's with you?" bellows the lion. "Tiger hasn't finished yet..."

To which the tortoise replies, "The monkey's joke is hilarious!"

submitted by Carla .
Knock, knock!

Who's there?


Realtor who?

Real tortoises keep it slow and steady.

© 2007 Audrey Used by permission
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.

The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. "Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.

"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.

"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

submitted by Jim .
The psychiatrist was surprised to see a tortoise come into his office.

"What can I do for you, Mr Tortoise?" asked the psychiatrist.

"I'm terribly shy, doctor," said the tortoise. "I want you to cure me of that."

"No problem. I'll soon have you out of your shell." said the psychiatrist.

submitted by A'Lona .
Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?

Because turtles have such tiny ears.

submitted by Jim .
A tortoise crawls into a bar and says to the barman, "Have you seen my Dad?"

"I don't know," says the barman. "What does he look like?"

submitted by Ryan.
What do you get if you cross a tortoise and a porcupine?

A slow poke.
The best tortoise jokes are short and snappy.

submitted by Jack Feka.
Q. What's a tortoise's favourite leisure activity?

A. Terrapin Bowling!

submitted by Richard
A lorry full of Tortoises crashed into a lorry full of Terrapins, it was a turtle disaster.

submitted by Emily
Keep it slow and steady.

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